The aunt without a shift key
Posted on October 12th, 2008 at 12:25 am by peter

One day in a land far far away(from you, really near me) thier was a aunt who ate toads, but one day……

ok never mind iv decided that was a pretty boring story. Who really cares about a aunt who eats toads? and what is the difference between a toad and a frog? So instead i will tell you about the aunt who was overly obsessed with using Shift key.

So thier was this aunt who like using the shift key…. then one day as she was typing a good housekeeping story that she stole from her nephew she heard a slight crack from behind her. She spun around, but found only the wall(or whatever is behind her when she types) thier. When she returned to the computer she gasped in horror as she realized her shift key was missing! “Oh the pain! the ironic pain that I, being such a meanie attempted to force my nephew to use proper capitalization before losing my own shift key! Now he will know me for the fraud I am cause I will no longer be able to capitalize!” she searched the room quickly. When she failed to locate it thier she searched her apartment/house. When she failed in her desperate attempt to find it she expanded the search! She called 911 but they just said they were not going to help with such a stupid crime as a lost shift key. “no one even uses them anymore. Capitalization is a lost art, like paying your nephews for no other reason then they make great stories.” she then tried to say that the shift key had been a anciant artifact she had dug up a year before from the grave of einstien. It worked at first, but then they realized someone as smart as einstien would not use a shiftkey. She searched and searched and searched the world over, twice. Untill finally she decided to do the last thing she could possibly do. The last plan of action. Plan f, it would have been plan A but she was not smart enough to think it up prior to this moment. So she ran down to northcarolina <–actually she took a bus) and she ran into her nephews house while he was sleeping. She found his laptop and she ripped the keyboard off it. Then she ran back to her little hole in NYC and glued the shift key onto her laptop. She breathed a sigh of relief as she sat back into her chair and started typing her next boring story which may be sold although i doubt she will pay 10% to her nephew like she promised(in her head).

Some may say that this story is a lie and it didnt actually happen. But see part of it already did. Thats why im up at 2 in the morning, im waiting here for her, im willing to defend my shift key with my(insert thing your willing to give up here). Why else would I bother to write this boring story, which by the way, I used capslock on. Not one capitalized letter was capitalized with the shift key. Hows that for irony eh? And why is it called irony? Steel is better. It should be called steelony. Or since I realized that it should be peterony. Now who doesnt like the sound of that?

568 words! (these included). ouch

the day the writing came back
Posted on October 7th, 2008 at 9:05 pm by peter

     It had been nearly 80 years since it had disappeared, but ug would still jump when someone said thier name. He had never really remembered that day very well, ug prefered to remember the happy times in life. His mind tended to forget what he didnt want to happen, of course it had been impossible to completely forget. So he could remember it just as well as he could 79.5 years ago. It had been half a lifetime ago so he decided to just try and ignore the feelings he had that day, and the 80 years following it. some things are easier said then done.

     Ug was walking down the street of utopia, it had been his home for the past 10 years, since he made his own cat walking business. He didnt know why no one thought of walking cats, it seemed like a perfectly good idea, for the past 10 years it had been. The people willing to give uf thier cats for 20 min so he put them on a treadmill had been steadily decreasing since he started it, so he was pretty sure he would have to move again soon and start a new business. in his next business he was sure he could hide the steroids for the cats better. That is the main reason to walk cats. They cant use thier noses to turn on you and find and drugs you may have put in them. Ug had just dropped off his last cat and was heading to the local coffee shop to make a drug deal with some scum from the rival city of New Orleans. He hated walking to the coffee shop, it was 10 miles away and it was taluary. Ug had put on his best boots for the walk, he only had the one pair but they were ever so perty. He couldnt help but look down at them, he couldnt help but watch them hit the ground then run back up and hit the ground again. hit and run is the best type of fighting. Ug watched the sidewalk run behind him and he suddenly found himself in the road during rushhour. luckily this was Utopia and the unemployment was 101% so few drove home from work during “rush hour”. Ug chuckled at the thought of how scared he was seconds before he realized he was in no real danger in the middle of the road at rush hour. he hadnt been scared since the writing came and…. chuck jumped up at the thought of the writing. He tried to get to the sidewalk, it was soo far and the thought of the writing scared him in ways he though impossible. He had to get out of the road, he saw the curb only a few steps away. Ug felt his feet hit eachother, suddenly he was falling. he saw the curb rush up. He braced for the pain. His head hit the curb. Ug didnt feel it though. He felt a rush of joy at the thought of not dieing by tripping over his leggs. He would rather have been buried alive or drowned in a vat of lava then die by curb. He tried to get up, he found himself to weak. He let himself lie thier, and the darkness quickly consumed him.

     He woke up in bed. Thier was a man standing over him. He looked like a hobo, but hobos dont have beards, this man did. He jumped out of bed and kicked the man in what he hoped was his reproductive glands. The man didnt flinch. He realized that this man had lost his reproductive glands or was a woman. A hobo looking man with a beard and no reproductive gland meant he had to be the common woman or the other thing, the other thing he dared not mention in this day and age. The man just stood thier looking at him. He slapped the man, this time he fell down. he jumped up and shouted at ug. “OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” ug stared at the woman. “sorry i thought you were one of the writing…” ug jumped at the thought of the writing and fell backwards. His head landed on a pillow safely, but the woman reached out to prevent him from falling. not only did she miss but she stepped on his reproductive gland. The pain was unbearable. The world went dark….. again…..

     This time when he woke up he was in a wheelchair. He looked around the room. He quickly found he was outside. Thier were 5 people around them, all woman, all pretty woman…… Ug started to hit on the nearest one. then he realized this was a dream cause Ug was gay. He jumped out of the wheelchair and reached for the nearest woman. he felt sick inside and once again the world went dark.

     Ug woke up in bed again. It appeared to be the first bed he was in. Thier was the same woman next to him. “how about you dont slap me this time, ok?” ug had no idea who the woman was. “who the BEEEP are you?” the woman chuckled. “you mean you dont recognize me?” Ug could not figure out if she was joking or being a idiot. “I JUST ASKED WHO THE BEEP YOU WERE! I THOUGHT THAT IMPLIED I DIDNT KNOW WHO THE BEEP YOU WERE!” Ug could feel his temper rising. whether it was getting hotter or he was getting madder(assuming thats a word) he could not tell. “im your wife.” Ug jumped up slapped the woman, kicked her against the wall then grabbed the nearest lamp and hit her repeatedly with it until she was unrecognizable. he felt sweat trickle down his head. He realized that he didnt sweat in his dreams. He hit himself with the lamp, just to make sure it was not a dream. he dropped the lamp and backed away. He fell back onto the bed. His head was throbbing. He had to leave this place, he had to get out of this room, this building, where ever he was he had to leave. He rammed the door down. thier was a man in a white coat outside. the man yelled “THIERS A DOORKNOB! WHY THE BEEP DID YOU KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR!” Ug felt good knowing he was not the only one with anger problems. He grabbed the man by the hair and bashed his head against the wall. The wall tumbled down. Ug crawled through the rubble, he wondered how a wall could fall and still support the ceiling. He quickly shoved away that thought. He saw the outside world, he looked down upon it. Thier were a few men outside. They were dressed in all red. They must be the red gaurd, judging from thier dresses and guns. He figured he would just try to run out, he was the fastest man withing 3 miles, he could outrun anyone for 3 miles. He hoped that meant he could escape. He waited untill the gaurd was as far as he hoped he would get. He tried to run out, he found his leg stuck. He used his other leg to attempt to propel himself out. Pain rushed through him, he realized the ceiling had collapsed on his leg. One of the red gaurd spun around. “who is up thier!” he/she yelled up here. “tell me or ill shoot you!” ug new he would die in a matter of seconds. He and the red gaurd had eye contact. The red gaurd raised his gun ready to fire. Then he tripped over a rock and fell down. his/her dress flew up and Ug saw a bit of his underwear. Ug blacked out at the sight of the writing. the world closed around him.