HONEY BUNNY!!
Posted on May 10th, 2010 at 11:03 am by peter

"Does this mean you are rejecting your noodly master?" said taytay. "We can’t reject what doesn’t exist." said the man in lack. "but we have proof ot it! The rising global temperatures, the decrease in temperature, the incread in height…"  "Are all lies! you claim people like me are ruining the world but it is actually you who woul give all the worlds wealth to those who don’t know how to hold it,," TayTay had had enough. "if only you were more coy with your beliefs, you might have survived this night." Then she turned around and started hopping away. The man in black yelled after her "oh look! the rabbit flees! Ha! When you make a threat lke that you should back it up!" TayTay ignored him. She would back it up that night. At the moment she had more important things to do, or rather, she had things that could not be moved as easily.

She walked down the sidewalk a couple of blocks until she came to the house numbers 1134 ootog st. She opened the mailboc and took the keys her previous employer had unwillfully left her. Then she took the car in the driveway. She drove slowely away, She still had an hour before school got out. No need for her to rush.

She checked her watch. 2:35, he would be crossing the street right then, She floored the gas, pushing the car to 150 mph. She turned her eyes to the roar. She would only have a second or two after she turned onto the schools road to aim the car. Plus she had to try and his only the kid as there were probably multiple kids crossing at that time.

She turned onto oak street, passed over a bridge, narrowly misses hitting a school bus, realizes that oak was a tree AND a name of a street and how ironic that is, before finally catching sight of the  boy. She moved her car slightly to the laft and BAM!!!

Her car hits the boy like he is a bag full of tomatoe soup. Luckily the car was already red so no one noticed. Then she sped off to her next target.

She waited outside the court house for 3 hours before he came out. When he di, he was of course surrounded by lawyers. She knew they were for physical protection, As opposed to legal. She knew they were all armed. She hit the gas. The big bunny jumped over her car, but all his lawyers lacked the kind of acrobatics skill and they were crushed liked a beetle under a bulldozer with fat albert driving. She brought the car to a screeching stop. She got out of the car. "hello honey" she said.

She stared at her ex husband, and he stared back in horror. He was taller then her. He was as big as a tree. A tree that happened to be 7 foot three. But she still had the edge on him. She had a womens scorn. And a gun. The gun probably really turned the tables on him. “You’ve been giving away my eggs for too long, honey.” “Screw you!” he said. “good point, you shouldn’t be able to screw anyone.” She fired the gun twice and it was so. The bigger of the bunnies now seemed very small as he was writhing around on the ground in pain. Tay Tay walked over to him and with one bullet into his big buck toothed mouth, she ended it.

After that she went back to the mall. She asked around and found out where the man in black lived. He lived in a big black house with a big black louse. She snuck in through his bedroom window. She was confused as to the best way to kill him. What should she cut first? Or should she use her gun? Maybe cut open his throat so blood ran down into his lungs and he drowned in his own blood? Although the prospect of making him hemmorage was appealing, she instead went for his nose cause how funny would it be to go to sleep happy and wake up noseless?

He woke up screaming. Tay Tay held him down. She had barely started cutting through his nose. It was like she was cutting cardboard with a butter knife. It was working, just slowely.

When she finally got his nose off, he showed it too him and said “See this? Your going to eat this!” She laughed. He closed his mouth, unwilling to choke on his own nose. “fine, want to play it that way do we?” She took her knife and stabbed her blade into his eye hard enough that no part of her knife was visible past the waves of squirting blood. The pain made him scream. She took that opportunity to shove his nose down his throat. Then she let him up. He jumped out the window and ran outside into the street.  He tried to scream but he had no air in his lungs due too it being occupied by his nose. He fell down on the street and waited for death to take him, but Tay Tay wouldn’t make it that easy. Tay Tay straddled over the man in black. She stabbed her knife into his stomach. She made a huge gash into his stomach. She pulled out his intestines, she did it quickly cause he was losing blood and air and like everything he needed to live. He was laying down quietly. She took his intestines and made him sit up to look at her, then she started playing jump rope with them. She did it very well, being a bunny and all. Then the man in black died, she giggled to herself. ‘today was just another day in the life of me’ she thought to herself. Unfortunately, a drunk Josephine klements had just gotten her GED and was celebrating by driving down the street at, well, really fast speeds.

Tay Tay was hit was hit by the car like Earkel would be hit by chuck Norris.

Moral: If you don’t like this story then you can just go away and keep reading your twilight books.

Everyone needs a genie story!
Posted on April 12th, 2010 at 8:26 pm by peter

“OH EM GEE!” cried daho. “what are you going to wish for?” “I dunno said josepener. “well no point holding it off any longer.” josepener rubbed the lamp. A genie popped out. “okay thanks for letting me out. I can give you one with now. Anything you could ever want, that is in my power, I will do.”  it said. “okay” he said “I want to be famous!” “well normally I would be able to do that but you’ve got too much acne to be in the lime light for long.” “okay, then I want a miracle acne cream!” “HA!” laughed the genie. “No amount of any cream can cure that mess you call a face!” “okay” grumbled josepener. “I want a million dollars!” “I’ve been stuck in a lamp for 5000 years! Do you really think I have that kind of money?” “okay then what can you do?” he said. “well I can build stuff” said the genie. “Okay then, I want you to build a bridge that starts in china then goes through the us too britain. So I can just get on it and go wherever i want too go.” “naw” the genie said. “too much work, anything else?” Josepener thought for a moment then said, “okay I got it.” “okay well what is it” asked the genie. “I want to understand women!” said josepener with excitement. 

The genie responded “Okay so did you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”

Moral: Really should be self evident.

jose for president.
Posted on April 9th, 2010 at 2:59 pm by peter

“o, holyist of all beings, please present yourself to your most humble pirate!” Josephine was at the top of mount rushmore. She was borrowing the power of 4 of the greatest pastafarians who ever lived too summon the flying spaghetti monster. “We bed you o noodly master, to stop this blight you have set upon our land!” the blight was refering to the zombie apocolypse which was currently happening. The FSM did not come. She had failed. The combined powers of all the greatest presidents had failed. Josephine had only one idea  left that might be able to save the world  from this undead craze it was currently experiencing. “Please?” she muttered. Then as if the flying spaghetti monster was some pissed off righ boy with an ego complex and a mis lead view that people actually cared about manners while they were being chased by zombies, he appeared.

“Jose, thank you for calling me. It took you long enough. I will stop this zombie apocolypse, and I will disregard the fact that it isn’t much of an apocolypse if you survive. For humanity, my gift for them is life. For you, my most worth, humble and polite pirate, I give you a gift, to insure that earth will remain a holy alter to me.”

The fms gave her a device, a special device. That could make anyone in the world think whatever she wanted them too. Although the fSM had wanted her too use it to ensure the world didn’t end, she was but a woman. And had far more earthly desires. So as the FSM left she had only one thing to say too his generosity: “That asshole called me jose!”

When she got home, she wasted no time with earthly powers. She got on the special device and made brad pitt think his best career option was too move to nashville, find the saviour of humanity(or the mass murderer of the zombies, depending on how you looked at it) and work as a slave for her.

Then she made her dad think he needed to leave. She would call him back later after she had her fun.

When Brad Pitt arrived she wasted no time with formalities. She was all like “yo get in the bed. And he did.

After that she made Brad Pitt fall insanely in love with her. Then she got hungry and sent him to Burger King to get a burger. Then she went outside to enjoy the fresh air and make people think she was fit to be president. She went to the pool so she could sit in the life guards seat. As she made more and more people realize how awesome she was, a crowd started to form around the pool cheering her on. After she convinced her neightborhood of her awesomeness, she moved on too the city, then the county, then after she had there support, she moved onto the state of tennessee. But alas somethings aren’t that easy.

A lightning bolt rang down the sky and shattered her so called ‘special device’. Then the FSM came down. “You are stupid!” he boomed with the bluntness of a bat.  “Why would you pick Brad Pitt?! He is OLD! He is so old that when I said ‘let there be light’ he flicked the switch! And past that, Why would you betray me you ungrateful swine! I said that was too make sure people remained holy! Not to fulfil your fantasies!”

“For your crimes I will return the world to a state of suckishness.” Then josephine said “I’d really rather you didn’t do that. Can you please not do that?” The FSM appreciated good manners so he said this “Because you are still holyer then the rest of these baffoons, I shall allow you 10 days to flee before the blight is reserected.”

So Josephine went home. She waited there for her lover, but he did not come for her was still searching for her burger. Then she waited for her dad, but he did not come. She had sent him away and now had no way to bring him back. So she did what people normally doing following the proclamation of a zombie apocolypse. She ate junk food and watched zombie movies, just so she could be prepared.

On the 10th day, Josephine was ready. She had twenty thousand shotgun shells and a womans scorn to help her survive. But even those won’t let her live forever. She needed someone else to help her survive. As soon as she thought that, as if some incredibly talented and handsome writer somewhere wrote it in, brad pitt appeared at her door. She unbarracaded the door and let him in. For she knew that her love, even as a zombie wouldn’t bite her. Unfortunately, as it turned out, Zombieism is a STD and josephine didn’t last nearly as long as she had hoped.

 

Moral: 1/4 people get a STD in there lives. Will you be one of them?

farty
Posted on October 3rd, 2007 at 3:04 pm by peter

fart button

second thing i ever said
Posted on September 27th, 2007 at 2:52 pm by peter

this is the second thing no matter what you say this will always be the second thing i ever say and u should always remember that because i won’t..