shorter jokes
Posted on October 2nd, 2007 at 7:04 pm by peter

The trouble with lawyer jokes are: Lawyers don’t think they 
are funny, and other people don’t think they are jokes!

Q and A 

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn’t that cannibalism?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  Don’t burden him with chores.

    Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.   No nagging.  And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.  If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.  “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,”  she replied.

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots
the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, “What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!” 

The Texan says, “In Texas, there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.”    A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can’t believe this and says, “What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!”The Canadian says “In Canada there’s plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap.”

    So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan, shocked, says, “Why did you do that?”

    The guy from Michigan says, “Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime.”

stuff 2 see
Posted on October 2nd, 2007 at 6:56 pm by peter

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”

The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!

i did not actually write this page
Posted on October 2nd, 2007 at 6:55 pm by peter

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her.”  (Thanks to Tammy Colorado)

aliens are abductin our pants
Posted on September 27th, 2007 at 2:47 pm by peter

This is an incendiary statement, a statement that will change the way humans perceive themselves in their relationship to the universe. I know that it is time for the people of the world to be shown the truth, no matter how disturbing. It is also imperative that people understand that things are accelerating, not only the pants situation, but the entire universe is accelerating. Racing towards absolute zero, racing towards the big empty. The aliens know this and have began abducting pants out of anxiety, out of panic. All humans are aware of this acceleration sub-consciously, but their logical minds block the realization from materializing. It is my purpose to educate the masses, for a “society gone psychotic” is unavoidable, but perhaps I can save our pants.I first became aware of this in the spring of 1995 while having a blueberry stack at Denny’s. I had dropped my napkin and was reaching to the floor to pick it up when I noticed they were missing, and thus the three words first escaped from my syrup coated throat. “Where’s my pants!!!!!” A phrase that would be repeated by my tortured soul a thousand times over. At first I had no idea where my pants had gone and after this phenomenon had occurred repeatedly for nearly a year I finally sought help from psychologists. Intrigued by my problem, the scientists put me under a strict regiment of treatments that included: hypnosis, shock therapy, enemas, LSD, and Vulcan-mind-melding. After several months of this, memories began to surface. Memories of pant thieving aliens!!! I will not bother you with the details of these memories. What is important is that you know that this is occurring, and it will happen to you, that is, if it hasn’t already…i only wrote the last … the rest i found on my website just now…