jose for president.
Posted on April 9th, 2010 at 2:59 pm by peter

“o, holyist of all beings, please present yourself to your most humble pirate!” Josephine was at the top of mount rushmore. She was borrowing the power of 4 of the greatest pastafarians who ever lived too summon the flying spaghetti monster. “We bed you o noodly master, to stop this blight you have set upon our land!” the blight was refering to the zombie apocolypse which was currently happening. The FSM did not come. She had failed. The combined powers of all the greatest presidents had failed. Josephine had only one idea  left that might be able to save the world  from this undead craze it was currently experiencing. “Please?” she muttered. Then as if the flying spaghetti monster was some pissed off righ boy with an ego complex and a mis lead view that people actually cared about manners while they were being chased by zombies, he appeared.

“Jose, thank you for calling me. It took you long enough. I will stop this zombie apocolypse, and I will disregard the fact that it isn’t much of an apocolypse if you survive. For humanity, my gift for them is life. For you, my most worth, humble and polite pirate, I give you a gift, to insure that earth will remain a holy alter to me.”

The fms gave her a device, a special device. That could make anyone in the world think whatever she wanted them too. Although the fSM had wanted her too use it to ensure the world didn’t end, she was but a woman. And had far more earthly desires. So as the FSM left she had only one thing to say too his generosity: “That asshole called me jose!”

When she got home, she wasted no time with earthly powers. She got on the special device and made brad pitt think his best career option was too move to nashville, find the saviour of humanity(or the mass murderer of the zombies, depending on how you looked at it) and work as a slave for her.

Then she made her dad think he needed to leave. She would call him back later after she had her fun.

When Brad Pitt arrived she wasted no time with formalities. She was all like “yo get in the bed. And he did.

After that she made Brad Pitt fall insanely in love with her. Then she got hungry and sent him to Burger King to get a burger. Then she went outside to enjoy the fresh air and make people think she was fit to be president. She went to the pool so she could sit in the life guards seat. As she made more and more people realize how awesome she was, a crowd started to form around the pool cheering her on. After she convinced her neightborhood of her awesomeness, she moved on too the city, then the county, then after she had there support, she moved onto the state of tennessee. But alas somethings aren’t that easy.

A lightning bolt rang down the sky and shattered her so called ‘special device’. Then the FSM came down. “You are stupid!” he boomed with the bluntness of a bat.  “Why would you pick Brad Pitt?! He is OLD! He is so old that when I said ‘let there be light’ he flicked the switch! And past that, Why would you betray me you ungrateful swine! I said that was too make sure people remained holy! Not to fulfil your fantasies!”

“For your crimes I will return the world to a state of suckishness.” Then josephine said “I’d really rather you didn’t do that. Can you please not do that?” The FSM appreciated good manners so he said this “Because you are still holyer then the rest of these baffoons, I shall allow you 10 days to flee before the blight is reserected.”

So Josephine went home. She waited there for her lover, but he did not come for her was still searching for her burger. Then she waited for her dad, but he did not come. She had sent him away and now had no way to bring him back. So she did what people normally doing following the proclamation of a zombie apocolypse. She ate junk food and watched zombie movies, just so she could be prepared.

On the 10th day, Josephine was ready. She had twenty thousand shotgun shells and a womans scorn to help her survive. But even those won’t let her live forever. She needed someone else to help her survive. As soon as she thought that, as if some incredibly talented and handsome writer somewhere wrote it in, brad pitt appeared at her door. She unbarracaded the door and let him in. For she knew that her love, even as a zombie wouldn’t bite her. Unfortunately, as it turned out, Zombieism is a STD and josephine didn’t last nearly as long as she had hoped.

 

Moral: 1/4 people get a STD in there lives. Will you be one of them?

Protected: The beast from R’lyeh
Posted on December 3rd, 2009 at 5:30 pm by peter

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Best day EVER!!!
Posted on October 22nd, 2009 at 6:11 pm by peter

Ok so one time I was walking in the local mall, triangle town center. TTC for short. And it wasn’t just a normal walk in TTC. I had a purpose. See a few months before there was a massive gang fight in the food court there. Some 100 people bashing eachothers heads in. As a result the city decided to pass a new law on the mall. They passed a law that said that no one under the age of 18 can be in the mall after 5 PM on Fridays and Saturdays without a PARENT. That doesn’t include a guardian or other adult figure. But the big deal with this law was that most of the gang members were over 18 and it wasn’t on a Friday or Saturday and it wasn’t after 5 PM. So this law was obviously only made so the lawmakers can act like they are doing something to prevent it from happening again. Even though they are not doing anything at all.

So about two weeks ago I decided I was going to do something about it. I got some guys who were willing too show up with me and picket the place. I thought if we were loud enough and hurt business enough we would be able too force them into changing the law. But I also needed to get someone from the city to propose something that would stop the law. So I went to the internet to look. I started looking through google and I found nothing. So I began too think about my ex and I started wishing that I hadn’t spent 200$ on our last date cause I could really use it too buy the new guitar hero. I have ADHD like that. Can’t pay attention to anything.

So then in my incredibly long train of thought that was completely off the point I started too think that what if there was some sort of law that said we couldn’t protest at the mall? I didn’t know why there would be but I decided to check it out and see. I went to the TTC website and sure enough it said that there was a rule against protesting or converting of any time on TTC property. I looked around for the rest of the night and found nothing that would come close to allowing protesting anything.

The next day when i went to school I asked people about it and they said that it sucked but there was nothing they would do. My friend Bryan told me to just let it go. He said that it didn’t really matter cause no one hung out at the mall after 5 anyway. I decided that everyone else had accepted defeat. I wanted to too. But I wanted too at least put up a good fight before I gave up. That’s why i decided to show up in TTC on that day.

I got there at 3:50 on a Saturday afternoon. That gave me an hour too look around the mall before they would force me out. I started too look around the mall. The mall wasn’t very big and only took about 10 minutes too get walk through completely so after my second time through I got bored and went too the food court. I stayed there by the Italian restaurant. the Italian restaurant doesn’t get too much business this time of day so there were a lot of seats open and no one there to wonder why i was waiting there for 40 minutes.

At 4:50 I left the food court and went to my spot. I had picked it on one of my walks through the mall. It was a great spot on the second floor between the local gaming store and the local chocolate store. I chose the spot because it was unlikely that a parent would go into the store and the child would elect too stay outside.

The intercom came on. “The time is 4:55. If you do not have a parent with you please leave the mall immediately.” I stayed there. The intercom came on again. “The time is 5 O’ clock PM. If you have not left the mall area yet and you are bellow the age of 18 please do so now.” I stayed there. Within a few minutes a mall guard walked up too me and asked me if I was with a parent. “no” I nervously replied. “then your going to have too come with me.” I ignored him. “kid your going to have to come with me and we will call your parents and get them too pick you up.” My nerves were going crazy and I started darting my eyes around the mall looking for something. I just couldn’t stand too look at the mall cop. I knew I couldn’t go with him. But I didn’t know what else too do. He touched my arm and said “kid c’mon lets go.” I screamed “RAPE!!!!” the guard jumped back and I ran. He chased me. Jogging 2 miles a day for a snickers finally paid off. I was just able to keep in front of him. We ran past all the stores. I thought about things that I had bought there as I ran past them. jewelry store where I bought my ex a 50$ necklace. Cookie store where I got a sugar cookie with my dad when he came too visit last time. finally I got too the food court and ran past it. Ahead of me was a long corrider which led outside and too the barnes and noble where I bought like every book I ever bought. I burst through the doors heading too the book store and as I started sprinting towards it I realized that there was a mall guard directly 30 feet in front of me. I turned a hard right busting my ankle a bit, but getting away from him. I ran back into the mall. I saw the food court ahead of me and I decided I would run through it and go out the other exit. but should I use the escalator or stairs? or elevator? those thoughts may be small but they were crucial if i wanted to escape the mall. I didn’t have time to make the choice. Between me and all of those choices was another mall cop. I looked behind me and the other one was closing fast. I had to make a split second decision. I turned slightly too the right so I would get to the ledge right before I met the mall cop. I was getting the the ledge quickly but the mall cop put on a burst of speed. I had to redirect my path directly right and into the ledge and hope there was nothing bellow to hurt my fall. I hit the ledge hard with my left foot. I jumped down. I was scared too look down and see a little kid under me. But I knew jumping 15 feet with your eye closed was a stupid idea. I looked down and thank you god! there was no one and nothing bellow me. In mid flight I realized I had hurt my ankle before. I hit the ground and lost balance and fell. I heard a crack in my ankle. Instincts told me to get up and I did. My ankle was hurt. But I could still run on it for the time being.

I ran down the mall. I stopped right before the food court. I peeked in and there was no mall cops. I would hate to have been cornered in the food court. I went to the italian restaurant. A few people were there. I look around and saw a family of 7 with two adults trying to keep control over 5 kids. Three of them triplets. I looked at the other table. There was a women who looked sorta old. When she opened her mouth I saw she was missing some teeth. I felt my stomach turn a bit and I looked at the nearest thing to her that wasn’t her. Sitting across the table from her was a girl. I couldn’t tell how old she was. I only saw the back of her head. Then I heard the older women with no teeth say she was going to get some more food. The girl sitting across from her said ok and she was going to come with, for some napkins. I scooted in my chair too let the older one through. Then as the other one said excuse me I was about too say “oh no prob” when I saw her. My mouth immediately dropped and the words got stuck. I was shocked. She stared back at me and walked by. Then she went too the restaurant and got some napkins. Some time when she was coming back I remembered too close my mouth. She was the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen. She smiled at me and walked by. I started thinking about whether I should go talk to her. I decided too do it. I walked up to her. “hey ummmmm how are you?” while saying the worst pick up line in the world my mind was racing with thoughts of commercials about candy and other chocolate substances. I hate ADHD… She opened her mouth. My social life hinged on what she was about too say. Was she going to tell me how her day was? Was she going to ask my name? Was she going too tell me i’m a creep and to go away? She said “you might wanna go.” My suddenly shattered and my pulse stopped. I was rejected. “wha’ why? Would your mom be mad if she saw us?” she said no and pointed 10 feet behind me was a familiar face. I shoved the table town and kicked it at the mall guard. I ran through the doors completely forgetting about the beautiful girl and running home with a successful failure of a protest under my belt.

The next day I thought I should do that again but next time I should invite all my friends. We could have like a group protest. Or a group running away from mall cops thingymajig. Wasn’t really a protest. That night we all went too the movie. Me and my friends and there girl friends. I told them that I had to get picked up by 11. They all had cars and didn’t worry about that stuff. We went to the movie and it sucked. It was boring as hell. But the only thing worse then watching a boring movie is writing a review about it so you won’t get too know how bad it was. After them movie we went to burger king. I ordered then I reminded them that I only had 20 minutes before my ride would get there. They decided to ditch me to go to a party at cookout. I didn’t care too much. They wanted to go to a party and I wasn’t going to make them stay with me and miss the party just cause I don’t have a car. I got my food and I sat down. I looked around the burger king for a tv because I hate eating food with nothing too do. It’s so much better too be reading or watching something while you eat. I didn’t see one so I got up and headed outside for a newspaper. As I was about to get too the door I looked to my right and there was a drop dead beautiful girl sitting there. Eating a cheeseburger. I didn’t recognize her at first but I didn’t need too. “Hey aren’t you that guy that was running from the mall police yesterday?” “ya! r u a fan?” I said without choking up.  I sat next too her and we started talking. “Whats your name?” “carrie, you?” “peter, haha I thought I wouldn’t see you after yesterday” “haha well I guess sometimes people are just meant too see each other.” I took that as a sign to go in. “so hows the…” i choked up “ummm sorry I didn’t catch that?” she said. no turning back now. “hows the love life?” she looked away “ummm it’s ok. I have a boyfriend.” My heart sunk. “oh…” “but you seem like a cool person! Do you have a facebook?” she said “ya” i replied, and I gave it too her.

I left for home 2 minutes later. I added her on facebook as soon as I got home. Then I jumped around my room for three hours. Giddy with excitement. It’s weird what rejection and a successfully failed protest can do to a guy with ADHD.

remember that one time?
Posted on October 18th, 2009 at 9:06 am by peter

Ok so I was sleeping. I was having really horrible dreams too. Me and my ex had just seen each other for the first time since the breakup and we were arguing. Then suddenly and out nowhere she turned into a ton of ants and ate me. It wasn’t fun… But then I woke up. Which wasn’t fun either cause for some reason the ants were still there and they were climbing all over my walls. I was too tired too do anything and I figured the ants would go away. So I sat back down and prepared to sleep a bit longer. As I put my left hand behind my head i noticed a meaty stick had somehow gotten under my head. Upon further examination I figured out that it was a arm. I freaked out and sat up to figure who I had drunkenly slept with. When I sat up I couldn’t see anyone in my bed so I decided the best way to figure out whose arm it was was to follow the arm to its body. So I started at the hand. Then I traced the hand to the arm. Then I followed the arm to the shoulder. Then I was looking directly down and It looked as if it was my own arm. But I could not feel it nor could I move it. But it was in fact attached too my body so I had too assume that it was mine. As I was about to go back to sleep I realized that not being able to move your arm is bad and I should probably figure out why I can’t move it. Or call 911. I tried to think where the phone was. It was in the living room and I was really tired to I decided I would try to move my arm and if that worked I would forget it and catch some Z’s for a bit. So I laid down with my devalued arm by my head. I tried to move it to my stomach and I failed. Then I figured it would be the same when I woke up and I closed my eyes. But I remembered the ants and woke up to check if they were still there. They were not and I almost went back too sleep. I figured I should give my arm one more chance not to send me too sleep mad. So with my arm by my head I tried to move it too my stomach, and slowly it creep’d over to my stomach. I was actually saddened by this because it meant I would be able to fix my arm before I caught some more Zs and that I would have to wait a couple mins longer. I was really tired. Damn ants had to wake me up. So I tried to move my arm at the elbow with no luck. Then I tried to move the fingers and nothing happened. But I could move my arm sideways now so that was a plus. I spent a few minutes doing that before I realized I had regained feeling all the way to my elbow and I celebrated by moving my newly recovered elbow. Then I tried to move my fingers and they wouldn’t budge. So I spend a few more minutes moving my arm AND elbow. I then thought of why this had happened and remembered that I had woken up too a strange meaty thing being behind my head. And I decided that the nightmare had caused me to roll around in my sleep and my head decided too put my arm in a armlock all night. After I figured this out I checked if I had feeling back in my fingers and there was none. But I could sort of move my fingers. And that was a plus. So I figured that with the incredable armlessness emergency avoided I could go too sleep. And I woke up with good arms and no ants on my walls.

rargh
Posted on August 30th, 2009 at 4:22 pm by peter

Bob thinks therefore he is. Bob is so he should be able to do what he wants. But bob can’t do what he wants because some people decided that to do what you want is to be what you feel. And feeling is but an unnecessary emotion used to blind your vision through hazy eyes and unclear definition to see what you cant do but to instead do what you see as the clear path that takes a wrong turn and hits a road block which appears to be unnecessary due to the fact that the road was perfectly fine without having to fix a few potholes. A pothole is but a hole in something we take for granted but prefer to be clear so as to identify our irrelevant and imaginary superiority over all else that is not us. US is a word used to define what we think of ourselves so as to make a group around ourselves that is like ourselves so we throw away all feelings of being without. Without is the partial opposite of being in a state of with. With what is unclear since we always forget what is WITH and only bring sight to what is without since we always think we will always be with despite always being a little bit less with then we were when you were with much. I am always WITH bob as long as bob IS. To be without bob is for bob to be not in a state of IS. Bob does what he can through me. What bob can do he wants to do as he cant do much because he is only in a state of IS when I choose to be in a state of WITH. I choose to be in a state of WITH alot.

heh
Posted on March 26th, 2009 at 5:31 am by peter

I just wanted to write a new post to show that I could.

heh, they talk about the flying spaghetti monster
Posted on February 14th, 2009 at 2:43 pm by peter

It takes soooooo long to think of a good title.
Posted on January 6th, 2009 at 12:48 pm by peter

I love the fact that I can say that I own my own site. Despite the fact that my aunt actually owns it. I love when I tell people I have a website and thier like you don’t own your own site cause you don’t have a domain. Then I will go online through internet explorer cause that’s like sooooooo much better then aol or w/e and I pull up my site(pkharrison.com) and thier like all embarresed. Then thier like wtf do you put on this? Well then WTF DO I SAY?!?!!? I mean I can’t say I write stuff cause it’s typed. I can’t say I type stories cause well this isn’t A story! I can’t say I write communistic aurguments cause as a communist I have a overwhelming urge to lie to the public. So wtf do i say?

And more importantly how do I answer that and still keep this little*small pause* article stylish? I don’t know what you call this post anyway? Is this just a post?!!? Is this some sort of blog?!?!!? I doubt I can tell them that cause then they will just start reading it. Maybe if I said this was my diary. Then they would not read it with me or tell me they read it. They would have to wait until they got home to read it. That might give me enough time to write a bit of boring diary stuff. Ooooooh but I should start now just in case.

January 6th

Today I figured out how to trick my friends into not reading my site and realizing it was really stupid. I did it by making a bit of stupid diary stuff. Actually I barely started to write it. I should finish writing that diary stuff now. See ya tomorow!

I would have kept going but the problem is that I started the day as today. So what if a friend looks at my site today and it said January 7th? See now you see my problem. Well actually this is only 1 of my many problems. Lets spend some time on a bit less serious problem.

Who is lets? Am I actually typing to someone? And if so who? Santa? rudolph? easter bunny? OoOoOoOoOoOh!!! That reminds me of this great joke. Ok so the easter bunny, santa and an honest lawyer are sitting at a table with 10,000$ in the middle. Suddenly the lights go out and the moneys gone. Who took it? The easter bunny! EVERYONE knows thiers no such thing as santa or a honest lawyer! Ok now you can stop laughing and please stand up. Look you wrinkled your suit! Now you will never get that oscar for best damn supporting actress of 2009.

Why did I even write this? This is a stupid little article thing! I might as well just give up and publish this stupid thing now.

The quick post
Posted on November 25th, 2008 at 1:07 pm by peter

I once had a dream. It was more like a nightmare really, but that is irrelevent. The point is that since I was a stupid kid I have always wanted to write/type some sort of thing in under 5 minutes without really thinking about what I wanted to write and I would prefer it to be published online. I have recently realized that that isimpossible so instead I will write this in under 5 minutes. It is not what I want but I am in school and i doubt I am supposed to be on this site. I also doubt georgie washington is the first president though so dont take it as a suprise. I personally hate suprises. I prefer to know if I am going to have some suprise birthday party or If I WIll finally beat the impossible quiz. I mean that thing really is nearly impossible. the only way to beat it is by bribing the site to take it off the site. It is also the only way to get a public office as a republican without bribes so I think that the site is therefore and foremost a site ruled by a communist dictator. Now some of you may say that you cant be A communist and a dictator. Well I say differently. just look in the dictionary.

 

Webster’s dictionary=

communist=dictator

 

SEE! I knew it! you allo doubted me but I pushed threw! I won the hard fight. Like they talked about in fallout 3. That was the best game ever. I mean thier is oblivion I guess, that could probably beat it, assuming you could use mods. Cause fallout is new and has like no mods to speak of. By mods I dont mean public moderators, I mean public restroom.

 

Thank you for allowing me to waster a few minutes of your time on this pointless argument of truthiness.

this is not helping
Posted on November 25th, 2008 at 12:48 pm by peter

I just realized that this post will not help world hunger in any way. So in order to spite the anti-federalists which hold dominion over us all. I say we hold non-violent protests outside every starbucks in the U.S. Some may say we dont have enough people to do that since “we” is me but I disagree with you all. That is why I must protest this.

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