The aunt without a shift key
Posted on October 12th, 2008 at 12:25 am by peter

One day in a land far far away(from you, really near me) thier was a aunt who ate toads, but one day……

ok never mind iv decided that was a pretty boring story. Who really cares about a aunt who eats toads? and what is the difference between a toad and a frog? So instead i will tell you about the aunt who was overly obsessed with using Shift key.

So thier was this aunt who like using the shift key…. then one day as she was typing a good housekeeping story that she stole from her nephew she heard a slight crack from behind her. She spun around, but found only the wall(or whatever is behind her when she types) thier. When she returned to the computer she gasped in horror as she realized her shift key was missing! “Oh the pain! the ironic pain that I, being such a meanie attempted to force my nephew to use proper capitalization before losing my own shift key! Now he will know me for the fraud I am cause I will no longer be able to capitalize!” she searched the room quickly. When she failed to locate it thier she searched her apartment/house. When she failed in her desperate attempt to find it she expanded the search! She called 911 but they just said they were not going to help with such a stupid crime as a lost shift key. “no one even uses them anymore. Capitalization is a lost art, like paying your nephews for no other reason then they make great stories.” she then tried to say that the shift key had been a anciant artifact she had dug up a year before from the grave of einstien. It worked at first, but then they realized someone as smart as einstien would not use a shiftkey. She searched and searched and searched the world over, twice. Untill finally she decided to do the last thing she could possibly do. The last plan of action. Plan f, it would have been plan A but she was not smart enough to think it up prior to this moment. So she ran down to northcarolina <–actually she took a bus) and she ran into her nephews house while he was sleeping. She found his laptop and she ripped the keyboard off it. Then she ran back to her little hole in NYC and glued the shift key onto her laptop. She breathed a sigh of relief as she sat back into her chair and started typing her next boring story which may be sold although i doubt she will pay 10% to her nephew like she promised(in her head).

Some may say that this story is a lie and it didnt actually happen. But see part of it already did. Thats why im up at 2 in the morning, im waiting here for her, im willing to defend my shift key with my(insert thing your willing to give up here). Why else would I bother to write this boring story, which by the way, I used capslock on. Not one capitalized letter was capitalized with the shift key. Hows that for irony eh? And why is it called irony? Steel is better. It should be called steelony. Or since I realized that it should be peterony. Now who doesnt like the sound of that?

568 words! (these included). ouch

the day the writing came back
Posted on October 7th, 2008 at 9:05 pm by peter

     It had been nearly 80 years since it had disappeared, but ug would still jump when someone said thier name. He had never really remembered that day very well, ug prefered to remember the happy times in life. His mind tended to forget what he didnt want to happen, of course it had been impossible to completely forget. So he could remember it just as well as he could 79.5 years ago. It had been half a lifetime ago so he decided to just try and ignore the feelings he had that day, and the 80 years following it. some things are easier said then done.

     Ug was walking down the street of utopia, it had been his home for the past 10 years, since he made his own cat walking business. He didnt know why no one thought of walking cats, it seemed like a perfectly good idea, for the past 10 years it had been. The people willing to give uf thier cats for 20 min so he put them on a treadmill had been steadily decreasing since he started it, so he was pretty sure he would have to move again soon and start a new business. in his next business he was sure he could hide the steroids for the cats better. That is the main reason to walk cats. They cant use thier noses to turn on you and find and drugs you may have put in them. Ug had just dropped off his last cat and was heading to the local coffee shop to make a drug deal with some scum from the rival city of New Orleans. He hated walking to the coffee shop, it was 10 miles away and it was taluary. Ug had put on his best boots for the walk, he only had the one pair but they were ever so perty. He couldnt help but look down at them, he couldnt help but watch them hit the ground then run back up and hit the ground again. hit and run is the best type of fighting. Ug watched the sidewalk run behind him and he suddenly found himself in the road during rushhour. luckily this was Utopia and the unemployment was 101% so few drove home from work during “rush hour”. Ug chuckled at the thought of how scared he was seconds before he realized he was in no real danger in the middle of the road at rush hour. he hadnt been scared since the writing came and…. chuck jumped up at the thought of the writing. He tried to get to the sidewalk, it was soo far and the thought of the writing scared him in ways he though impossible. He had to get out of the road, he saw the curb only a few steps away. Ug felt his feet hit eachother, suddenly he was falling. he saw the curb rush up. He braced for the pain. His head hit the curb. Ug didnt feel it though. He felt a rush of joy at the thought of not dieing by tripping over his leggs. He would rather have been buried alive or drowned in a vat of lava then die by curb. He tried to get up, he found himself to weak. He let himself lie thier, and the darkness quickly consumed him.

     He woke up in bed. Thier was a man standing over him. He looked like a hobo, but hobos dont have beards, this man did. He jumped out of bed and kicked the man in what he hoped was his reproductive glands. The man didnt flinch. He realized that this man had lost his reproductive glands or was a woman. A hobo looking man with a beard and no reproductive gland meant he had to be the common woman or the other thing, the other thing he dared not mention in this day and age. The man just stood thier looking at him. He slapped the man, this time he fell down. he jumped up and shouted at ug. “OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” ug stared at the woman. “sorry i thought you were one of the writing…” ug jumped at the thought of the writing and fell backwards. His head landed on a pillow safely, but the woman reached out to prevent him from falling. not only did she miss but she stepped on his reproductive gland. The pain was unbearable. The world went dark….. again…..

     This time when he woke up he was in a wheelchair. He looked around the room. He quickly found he was outside. Thier were 5 people around them, all woman, all pretty woman…… Ug started to hit on the nearest one. then he realized this was a dream cause Ug was gay. He jumped out of the wheelchair and reached for the nearest woman. he felt sick inside and once again the world went dark.

     Ug woke up in bed again. It appeared to be the first bed he was in. Thier was the same woman next to him. “how about you dont slap me this time, ok?” ug had no idea who the woman was. “who the BEEEP are you?” the woman chuckled. “you mean you dont recognize me?” Ug could not figure out if she was joking or being a idiot. “I JUST ASKED WHO THE BEEP YOU WERE! I THOUGHT THAT IMPLIED I DIDNT KNOW WHO THE BEEP YOU WERE!” Ug could feel his temper rising. whether it was getting hotter or he was getting madder(assuming thats a word) he could not tell. “im your wife.” Ug jumped up slapped the woman, kicked her against the wall then grabbed the nearest lamp and hit her repeatedly with it until she was unrecognizable. he felt sweat trickle down his head. He realized that he didnt sweat in his dreams. He hit himself with the lamp, just to make sure it was not a dream. he dropped the lamp and backed away. He fell back onto the bed. His head was throbbing. He had to leave this place, he had to get out of this room, this building, where ever he was he had to leave. He rammed the door down. thier was a man in a white coat outside. the man yelled “THIERS A DOORKNOB! WHY THE BEEP DID YOU KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR!” Ug felt good knowing he was not the only one with anger problems. He grabbed the man by the hair and bashed his head against the wall. The wall tumbled down. Ug crawled through the rubble, he wondered how a wall could fall and still support the ceiling. He quickly shoved away that thought. He saw the outside world, he looked down upon it. Thier were a few men outside. They were dressed in all red. They must be the red gaurd, judging from thier dresses and guns. He figured he would just try to run out, he was the fastest man withing 3 miles, he could outrun anyone for 3 miles. He hoped that meant he could escape. He waited untill the gaurd was as far as he hoped he would get. He tried to run out, he found his leg stuck. He used his other leg to attempt to propel himself out. Pain rushed through him, he realized the ceiling had collapsed on his leg. One of the red gaurd spun around. “who is up thier!” he/she yelled up here. “tell me or ill shoot you!” ug new he would die in a matter of seconds. He and the red gaurd had eye contact. The red gaurd raised his gun ready to fire. Then he tripped over a rock and fell down. his/her dress flew up and Ug saw a bit of his underwear. Ug blacked out at the sight of the writing. the world closed around him.

good house keeping
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 6:38 pm by peter

to keep a good house you need to write it, then publish it before you meanie face jr aunt cant steal it! which she will! she will slowely earn you trust…. then she will steal it! she will steal it like a person who cant write a good metaphor/simile! she will urge you to drop out and become one of those people who can see the future! like a sorta oricle thing. LOL, which she needs to be taught to do……  but then you realize you really cant see the future and you quit to be a airline pilot. then your sorta thankful for the whole write brothers thing cause they gave you a job. so you build a time machine to go into the past and thank them. then you realize your pretty smart and you become a scientist. and you realize that you didnt really need the write brothers. so you destroy your time machine as you dont need it anymore.  then you realize thats the only thing you could make. you fail as a scientist and you go poor and die of a alien attack. the attack lasted 4 years though. that means if you had your time machine you could have went back in time and told yourself that you could have saved mankind. lucky all the lesbians survived.

so you can thank your aunt for killing all men. then thank whoever let women have babies with other women. then thank me with a gift basket of minimuffins for warning you.

my address is 1600 penselvania AVE

poetry with boogers
Posted on February 7th, 2008 at 6:13 am by peter

poetry is a lie! it is just a few words jumbled together to look pretty! they make it this way so that you will first get into it with good so called “poems” and then when they hit you with the bad ones you see that they are good and that you should not just think a “poem” is bad cause it has boogers in its name.

the government lied about this. ya i just wanted to get that strieght.

(elevator music)

limited food supply
Posted on February 6th, 2008 at 6:17 am by peter

see the rumor is that when you eat a lot of food you get fat. but do you? i mean has anyone actually eaten a lot of food? see this is a government lie. see they dont have a lot of food so to prevent you from eating a lot they say your gonna get fat. it is incredably clever. i hope none of you shall ever fall under this lie! eat a lot! see what happens!

see with the limited food supply they could just tell you they have little food and get you to eat less, but they instead invade and take other countries food. it is just more fun to spend $462,455,240,110 in another country. and you wondered where our economy goes.

now most of you will not believe me just because this sounds really stupid. i mean what government would lie to thier people to invade another country? the answer is most likely anciant mars, but who really cares about them anyway.

the fullkeyboard…. of death
Posted on February 6th, 2008 at 6:02 am by peter

one day ug was writing a story on the bus ride home with his full keyboard cellphone. he thought of how the indians used the old number pad to type storyss for thier website. then out of nowhere the meaning of life jumped out and punched him in the stomach. then he kicked ug in his small kidney. now u may think that that is just a stupid story so he changed what the book said. just like they changed how alexander the great died. i mean we all know he was poisoned! why would the government honestly think we would believe that! ug was infuriated by this. so ug organized a million man march on parliaament. unfortainently he planned it on november 5th and they thought he was guy fox teaming up with naruto to destroy parliment and retake the nile while stopping the first bowl of noodles from reaching where they are going. this just made himself realize how much better he looks then inuasha(i think i spelled that right). but then the fsm came down and the native englishmen  in parliament thought he was buda and gandalf morphed together in a sorta twisty boomboom.  they attacked the fsm but he fought back with his hords of bicycles that he stole from santa! now ug was already in another magical land they call yeman.  now you may think this is all random but its not! cause in a few more moments ug is going to realize what he has been missing out on and go back to the us to breach the hallway of freedom formally known as the atlantic ocean but renamed cause the us could cause they are really strong yet not strong enough to fight another country. but since no one ever tried no one will ever know…………….. anyway……………..

ug had to convince bush that england was bad. so ug went up the steps of the white house and streight to bush and said “britain has wmd’s! and thier gonna use them against us!” bush said “no they dont thats a lie! but who cares! prepare for war!”!!!!,!!!!!<!!!!!(!!!)>

then hillary clinton walked in and bush left office for good. ug said the same thing to clinton. clinton said” prepare for nuclear war!”. and it was like boom boom boom end of the world boom. now see what clinton will do! you should be ashamed!

ug stops global warming
Posted on December 24th, 2007 at 1:01 pm by peter

 One day ug was hunting chickens in Madagascar when suddenly, a huge wave emerges out of now where! He drops his chopsticks and climbs into a hole, he stays their for 20 years before finally he decides the wave is gone, now when he sees the environment it looks completely different. There are trees and bushes and it is hot! So he decides that global warming has happened, now why it occurs is controversial. Some people think the decrease of pirates caused the increase of temperature. But ug knows that when you are cold and you ride a bike for a long time you get hotter. So ug decides that to many people are riding their bikes. Only one thing can stop this, and only one person can stop this. And in that moment he decides who will stop this. Well not really, he takes a few moments to decide between chuck Norris, curios George and himself.  But he decides himself. He decides that he shall assassinate all bikes!           He must find and destroy all bikes, and for this he must need extraordinary help! Like Santa. Now how to convince Santa. He then thinks of a plan! A perfect plan! He goes to the north pole and tells Santa that he must assassinate all bikes! Santa of course said “no!”. but then ug said that it would work toward him if he killed all bikes outside of his workshop. Cause then no one would have a bike, he could just make a bike for everyone and he is ready for Christmas. So Santa agrees.            Now Santa has to kill all of the bikes in the world. But how? He knows there is only one way to do it. So he drops to his knees and prays, prays to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. So the FSM appears. He comes and asks what Santa wants. Santa said “I want you to kill every bikes out their! So the FSM thinks about it. Then he said only if you give ug 2000 pounds of TNT. So Santa agrees. The FSM spreads his noodly appendages and said “then let it be done” and disappears.            Now the world is in panic, all their bikes are gone and they have to wait until December 26th to get them, cause you know that they are  visiting relatives and it’s not like they can ride it back. Now then Santa invites ug back down to the north pole and said “ok I dunno why but the FSM wanted me to give this to you” and hands him the TNT. Then ug said “yay” and as he is leaving he throws 2000 pounds of TNT over his shoulder into the workshop. In a quick boom the workshop is destroyed. And with that global warming is solved. Now this is not a true story but it is possible. This could happen if you wanted it to, just stop Christmas and no more temperatures above 120 degrees!

ug vs godzilla
Posted on December 22nd, 2007 at 8:57 pm by peter

One day ug was jumping on the trampoline when all of a sudden, the ground starts to shake. And you know how it is. When something jumps of a trampoline as someone gets down from a jump the someone goes really high. So a meteor hits the trampoline and ug goes so high he starts expanding. Then he starts going back down. And on the way down he sees what is making the ground shake. Godzilla is fighting the British air force! As they charge so bravely into battle. He sees a single plane get knocked down to the ground. It hits the ground and blows up and the battle is over. Now he is thinking well I am going to beat Godzilla! I am going to beat him at his own game!

Now if you did not know, Godzilla is Japanese. So when Godzilla leaves wherever they are, (and to satisfy your hunger to find out where they are we will say Atlantis). Ug spends the next 3.37 days practicing Godzilla’s own game. Then he goes to Japan. He challenges Godzilla to his own game in a cool yet unknown way. Godzilla accept and they head to the arena. The judge steps onto the field and says that there are three rounds, each based on Godzilla’s own game. First round, each contestant must make 1thousand paper cranes while blindfolded. “ready, set, go!”. So they start making cranes. After 3.5 minutes they both are up to 998 cranes when godzilla realizes he might lose he starts throwing cranes at ug in a attempt of cheating, but since they make over 3 a second by the time the first one gets to ug he has won. Yay ug! Second round, each contestant must convince a American to try sushi. Ug is American so thinks this is easy, but the problem is ug will not eat one himself. So while godzilla is making his American beg for some ug is trying to convince himself to eat one. Godzilla wins credibly. Third round, each contestant must successfully stop a meteor from hitting earth. Ug laughs at this. He takes out his portable trampoline and waits. He thinks he is gonna win. But then he realizes godzilla is taller and will swat it away before it can get to him. So he says to godzilla “hey u big and meanie! Ya you. I am gonna beat you with my magic trampoline see it can swat away everything that goes within 1light year of earth!”. Godzilla panics and throws the trampoline into space. It hits Jupiter hard enough it falls back into a mars which explodes destroying everything in the galext but venus, earth, the sun and Uranus. (it actually does destroy Uranus but the gods bring it back cause its name is funny)

Posted on November 29th, 2007 at 8:22 pm by peter

what is pastafarian
Posted on November 29th, 2007 at 8:15 pm by peter

we believe in the flying spagetti monster, also known as the fsm. it created all of mankind. everything you found from the past was planted by the pastafarian. it is really spagetti like.

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