ok so thier was a guy named ug. one day ug went to a art society of invisable little anteaters called matlebogs. he made a picture of a matlebog even though it was invisable and they got really mad and they were all like “you have no imagination!”. and he cried all the way home. so he cried in his bed for a couple of days before deciding to get a better imagination. so he went to orvile redenbacher. he popped up on his front door step with a few beanbag chairs. he was all like “omg! i have a bad imagination. so i have hired a few zombies to come and take out your brains! they will be here in a hour. then they will give your brain to me so i will have a great imagination! hahahahaha!”. then orvile said “you nooby nub! they will eat my brains! they will not give them to you!”. so ug was all like “nooooooooo!!!!’. and he then sided with orvil and the freaky guy on the burgerking commercials and they built a huge 213 story fortress. then a huge robot came and toppled it so he was all like “oh well”. then a few minutes later a zombie came with a banana peel gun and made everyone slip! then he started marching forword to eat orviles brain! then the king pulled out his mcdonalds food gun and shot the zombie with it. and of course mcdonalds food is like a million sea cows all ontop of you then king kong takes you to atlantis where you are forced to eat more mcdonalds. and of course it really just goes in a never ending cycle. so the zombie redied and

the end!

ok so thier was this guy names ug. one day ug decides his life is too boring. he had been playing his ps3 for the past 5 hours before he realized that he really did not like the ps3. he decides to china to see the circus. he gets on his private pogostick and flies to china. when he gets thier he gets of the plane just as a nuclear bomb hits that one guy that works for bush, ya know the one that no one really new what he did even though we all new he was the secret king of congo. so he was walking down the street to the circus he saw a sign that said “looking for a really good name! 1 million dollars!!”. so ug runs in and is all like “i have a really good name! i will sell it for 1 billion dollars!!!! then the guy at the counter said “sorry we already found some guy named joseph tate.”. then ug said “no you don’t understand! my name is really good!”. so the guy said “well spit it out!”. and ug said “my name is ug!”. “wow that is a good name” said guy. so ug sells his name for 1 billion dollars and is now named joseph tate. so he goes back home with 1 billion dollars and his new boring name, joseph tate. when he got thier he told his friends his new name. the problem was that none of them could pronounce it. so he is all like “well i will go back thier and get my name back”. but then his friend apu nahasipenapetalon said “they are no longer in china! they have went to thier home planet of tralfamador! so then joseph said well then i will go thier and get my name back!. so ug gets on his private pogostick and flies to tralfamador. he then finds the new ug at the local mcdonalds. then ug said “noooooo! mcdonalds is the worst place in the galexy! it is like a millions manacockers are eating you the having you turn into a humen ear and playing you like a drum!” but joseph went in anyway. he took one of the manacockers that was supposed to eat him and drum him and hit ug with the manacocker. then he took the old ugs name tag and went back to his homeplanet. his friends could pronounce his name for the rest of eternity. the end!

ok so one day thier was this guy names ug. he was a guy. he loved to play the worst games like cricket and marbles. so one day he was walking around playing with his little penguin friends. then he goes to one of his friends and said “i challange you to a marbles dual to the death!” and of course marbles is really hard to die while playing, so ug said “hmmmmmmmm. how could we do a dual to the death?” so finally he had a idea! now this is a good idea you should do this one as soon as you can! what he did was he opened a can of pepsi and left it outside. (it has to be pepsi as coke is to good and you should never have to waste one). so he left the opened can of pepsi outside. he went to bed after that. when he woke up he went outside to find a ton of ants all around the pepsi. he quickly went and got the guy he was supposed to dual. that went to the pepsi can and ug said to the guy “ok now we are going to put gun powder into the marbles and put the marbles, with with the gun powder inside into a pot. then the guy is going to hold the pot over the ants”. but what he did not tell the guy was that the ants were normal and did not like pepsi and were trying to burn the pepsi away! so when the guy stood over the ants, with the pot, filled with marbles, filled with gun powder, the ants burned the pepsi (which is like drinkable oil) and the fire turned blue due to the pepsi, which is like poison in a can, lited the gunpowder which exploded the marbled, which made the pot really hot, which made the guy fall into the pepsi and was all like “noooooooo, pepsi is like poisoned fire made of rubber after being left out for 10,000 years!” and he accidently swallowed the pepsi which is like poisoned fire made of rubber after being left out for 10,000 years and then being drank by some crazy mexican who then kissed a canadian who peed it out after eating dairy products which since he was alergic out and could not pee so it just came out his belly button and that is pepsi which he drank and died!

And then ug shouted,”hurry! i won!”

 THE END

and i am sooooooooo new to this so please forgive all the punctuation mistakes.

The trouble with lawyer jokes are: Lawyers don’t think they 
are funny, and other people don’t think they are jokes!

Q and A 

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn’t that cannibalism?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  Don’t burden him with chores.

    Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.   No nagging.  And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.  If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.  “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,”  she replied.

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots
the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, “What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!” 

The Texan says, “In Texas, there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.”    A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can’t believe this and says, “What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!”The Canadian says “In Canada there’s plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap.”

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”

The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her.”  (Thanks to Tammy Colorado)

the poopy bread!

now we have all heard of white bread and some of us might have heard of wheat bread but has anyone heard of poopy bread?  yes!

poopy bread is the sensation that is sweeping the nation! people all across america (exluding canada cause they wierd) are tasting this new taste of amazing value and vertue. if u think you have seen good poopy bread, then try it with some mayo and holapeneos. yum yum. now what is poopy  bread made of? well in truth poopy bread is not made of poop at all. it is actually made of camals spleen. i know….

next time we go to egypt we need to eat some camals spleen!

one day in china…

one day in chinatown thier was this one chinese leader named ollie tabooger. ollie was bored after losing 8000000004 red pandas to a manacocker. he decided to make a army of giant cats to conquer sweden now conquering sweden was no easy task. first he would have to ask thier lunch(the dog(or as they would say the overlord of cats)if they could borrow some cats). so he went to his dining hall and asked his lunch if he could burrow some cats to attack sweden. the dog said “if you beat me in ping pong i will let it be done”. ollie said ”ha! little do you know that i am the world champion in ping pong!”said ollie. so they went to  the national ping pong hall in the dwarven mountains to play ping pong. but when they got their they discovered that the dwarves were defeated by the cyclones! so they summoned the power of thor to smite those who go against them! so the conquered cyclones joined ollies army and they played ping pong. 

                    

the match!

no one actually cares about the match so i will just skip it. the dogs one 8004 to -34000. so since 34000-8004=25995 they got 25995 cats. yay. then the chinese ate the dogs and took the rest of the cats. now they were ready to invade sweden! they moved thier army into position  when suddenly a huge army of giant pig came from venus and attacked their 400000000004 cats. the cats fight hard but the pigs are too strong! the cyclones are now ollies last hope. the cyclones pull out thier guns and started shooting down all the pigs. but the pigs were too great in number! the cyclones ran. they ran all the way to tralfamador where they mated and started a new race of tralfamadoreons. now back on earth ollie was selibrating his victory while playing ping pong and hopskotch. YAY OLLIE!

what is a monicocker?

a monicocker is a blue elephent native too sweden. yay!
a monicocker is about 14 feet tall and can stand on his hind legs. they are usually boys because a girl is weak and can be beaten in duals very easily.